Salome is perhaps the reason I like opera.

When I was in high school, a french horn player named Michael Gast played Salome for me. He explained what was happening in the music as well as the plot. It was like watching a hockey game with someone who not only knew about hockey, but knew rude stories about all the players. There are a lot of rude stories about the players in Salome.

Watching it now, there’s something familiar about this opera but I can’t quite put my finger on it. There’s lingerie and death and sex and more sex and death and cryptic innuendo and… sweet baby Elmo, I’m watching a Lady Gaga video.

As with many of the best sex and violence operas, Salome is a Bible story. It’s the story of King Herod, his prisoner John the Baptist/Jokanaan and his stepdaughter Salome. Herod recognizes that John/Jokanaan is in tight with God and doesn’t especially want to turn him over for execution because, you know, plagues of locusts, 40 days 40 nights, whale indigestion, blah blah blah. Herod is also a lecherous ass.

The whole opera takes place on one set, which probably pissed the union right off. In the middle of the set is a grill covering a pit which leads to the green room in which Jokanaan hangs out. He sings up through the grill just often enough to make everyone nervous.

Narraboth, the captain of the guard, starts the ball rolling with his wing man, the page. The page warns him about Salome, but Narraboth’s eyes go all twirly and he won’t shut up about her until Jokanaan starts bellowing biblical prophecy. Note: do not invite prophecy-spewing guests to parties and leave the opening to their prisons where people can hear them.

Salome comes away from the feast because she can’t stand how Herod looks at her. She hears Jokanaan and asks who he is. She quizes the guards about him, and then asks to see him. The guards are not down with that and, since they are probably eunics, don’t give in. Narabaath is not a eunic.

He brings out Jokanaan, who launches into a tirade about Herodias - Salome’s mother/current wife of Herod. Herodias richly deserves his wrath. Salome listens and thinks he’s a total dreamboat, or at least her kind of effed-up. Jokanaan asks who she is and when she identifies herself as the daughter of Herodias he tells her to go to the wilderness and eat nuts and berries until she’s redeemed of the Lord. She counter-offers with a suggestion to just do it right here, right now. Narraboth is all kinds of jealous and kills himself. No one notices. Salome keeps begging Jokanaan to kiss her.

“I’ll be in my dungeon if anyone needs me” Jokanaan mutters over his shoulder, descending back into the pit/green room and pulling the grate shut behind him.

Herod and Herodias appear and Herod asks for Salome in a manner inappropriate to their stepfather - stepdaughter relationship. Herodias may or may not junk kick him and tell him to stop being such an a-hole.

Jokanaan puts in his two cents. Herodias tells him to zip it and taunts Herod for being afraid of him. Herod waxes theological, Nazarenes talk of miracles, Herodias is annoyed and the choir dozes. On a roll, Herod asks Salome to dance for him, summoning her stripper pole. She says no. He says “please oh please I’ll give you a pony.” She says no. He says “anything you want! I’ll give you anything you want! Pleeeeeeeze…..?”

“Promise?”

He promises on a stack of lunch meat. Salome dances. There is nudity. And then she asks for the head of Jokanaan on a silver platter. Herod faints. Herodias cheers. She gives his ring to the soldiers and issues the command.

In the dungeon the soldiers are all drawing straws. Salome waits, tapping her watch. Finally the head appears.

Salome takes the head, reminds it of the refused kiss, and snogs the severed head of Jokanaan.

Herod screams like a little girl and tells the soldiers to kill her. They do.

The end.

What do you mean you don’t know this story?

There have been several Romeo and Juliet operas written, but the one you’re likely to see is by Gounod. You may know Gounod by such runaway hits as Faust and Mireille. Gounod wrote 14 operas, most of which were not especially successful and two of which he wrote after he died.

Or posthumously. Whatever.

The opera starts with Romeo and Mercutio crashing a Capulet party. They’re there because Romeo had a dream and since it’s a masked ball, they mostly get away with it. In the Ballad of Queen Mab, Mercutio blames the dream on Romeo eating spicy foods before bed.

Also at the party is Paris, who’s supposed to be marrying Juliet but is awfully ho hum about her. Either he’s gay or he has something against marrying teenage girls. We will never know.

Romeo chats up Juliet. They are smitten. Romeo realizes she’s a Capulet daughter. A Capulet senses a Montague disturbance in the force and Romeo and Mercutio run for their lives. The Capulets party on.

Act II is all “wherefore art thou, Romeo?” And those crazy kids decide to get married in Vegas.

Friar Laurence’s cell is closer than Vegas, so they get married there.

Everything’s going to be tickety boo and love will conquer all, until the Montagues and the Capulets decide to use each other as pin cushions. Romeo stands down and calls for a group hug. No one has any idea what he’s talking about. Tybalt (a Capulet) skewers Mercutio (Montague) and Romeo makes his first big mistake with the inlaws and kills Tybalt. Violence is never the answer - but Tybalt totally had it coming. The Duke doesn’t see it this way, and exhiles Romeo.

Romeo again sneaks into the Capulet garden and spends the night “singing” with Juliet.

Juliet asks Friar Laurence for help and he comes up with the poison that will make her seem dead but not really dead. Or it turns her into a zombie. Now that I think of it, this story could have ended much worse.

Wedding guests arrive and everyone is excited for cake. Capulet tells Juliet her moment of glory has come and she can marry Paris. Juliet says “I don’t think so” and falls at his feet in a dead-like pile. Awkward.

Romeo does not get the memo. He enters Juliet’s tomb, finds her dead, and drinks poison. Before the poison finishes him off, Juliet wakes up and they sing the “Dieu de bonté” aria, which is french for “are you effing kidding me?” Juliet finds herself inexpicably hungry for brains and stabs herself with Romeo’s dagger. They die in each other’s arms, singing for forgiveness.

The.

End.