What do you mean you don’t know this story?

There have been several Romeo and Juliet operas written, but the one you’re likely to see is by Gounod. You may know Gounod by such runaway hits as Faust and Mireille. Gounod wrote 14 operas, most of which were not especially successful and two of which he wrote after he died.

Or posthumously. Whatever.

The opera starts with Romeo and Mercutio crashing a Capulet party. They’re there because Romeo had a dream and since it’s a masked ball, they mostly get away with it. In the Ballad of Queen Mab, Mercutio blames the dream on Romeo eating spicy foods before bed.

Also at the party is Paris, who’s supposed to be marrying Juliet but is awfully ho hum about her. Either he’s gay or he has something against marrying teenage girls. We will never know.

Romeo chats up Juliet. They are smitten. Romeo realizes she’s a Capulet daughter. A Capulet senses a Montague disturbance in the force and Romeo and Mercutio run for their lives. The Capulets party on.

Act II is all “wherefore art thou, Romeo?” And those crazy kids decide to get married in Vegas.

Friar Laurence’s cell is closer than Vegas, so they get married there.

Everything’s going to be tickety boo and love will conquer all, until the Montagues and the Capulets decide to use each other as pin cushions. Romeo stands down and calls for a group hug. No one has any idea what he’s talking about. Tybalt (a Capulet) skewers Mercutio (Montague) and Romeo makes his first big mistake with the inlaws and kills Tybalt. Violence is never the answer - but Tybalt totally had it coming. The Duke doesn’t see it this way, and exhiles Romeo.

Romeo again sneaks into the Capulet garden and spends the night “singing” with Juliet.

Juliet asks Friar Laurence for help and he comes up with the poison that will make her seem dead but not really dead. Or it turns her into a zombie. Now that I think of it, this story could have ended much worse.

Wedding guests arrive and everyone is excited for cake. Capulet tells Juliet her moment of glory has come and she can marry Paris. Juliet says “I don’t think so” and falls at his feet in a dead-like pile. Awkward.

Romeo does not get the memo. He enters Juliet’s tomb, finds her dead, and drinks poison. Before the poison finishes him off, Juliet wakes up and they sing the “Dieu de bonté” aria, which is french for “are you effing kidding me?” Juliet finds herself inexpicably hungry for brains and stabs herself with Romeo’s dagger. They die in each other’s arms, singing for forgiveness.

The.

End.