La Fille du Régiment is the story of an abandoned child who narrowly escapes becoming the Duchess of Krakenthorp. No one wants to have to introduce herself as the Duchess of Krakenthorp. It’s a bitch to spell.

Marie, the non-Duchess of Krakenthorp, was found and adopted by the 21st regiment. I don’t even want to know what that entailed. I’m sure it was honorable.

The opera starts out with the Marquise of Berkenfield (who we do not know is Marie’s mother) and the butler (who did not do it). They are traveling to their castle and are concerned about the fighting nearby. Sulpice, the 21st regiment sergeant, arrives to escort them.

A prisoner, thought to be a spy since he’s been trailing the regiment, is brought to Sulpice. Marie identifies him as Tonio, a Tyrolean local who once saved her life. She is in love with him. He’s in love with her. They are doomed doomed doomed because she has to marry someone from the regiment. He joins the regiment and sings the tight underpants aria.*

Meanwhile, Sulpice is putting together the name Berkenfield with the name on a note left with the orphaned baby. The marquise claims that Marie is her niece and was left in her care until she was accidentally forgotten on the bus/eaten by dingos/abandoned in a cave. Her niece cannot possibly marry a soldier, so she takes Marie to her castle, scrubs her up, teaches her to play the harpsichord and prepares her to marry the Duke of Krakenthorp. It’s very much like My Fair Lady, except not.

Marie does not want to marry the Duke of Krakenthorp because she is an ungrateful little regiment hussy who doesn’t know where her cake is buttered. Poor Marie. But then! The 21st regiment arrives, bringing Tonio. They are reunited! Tonio demands the marquise allow them to marry.

The Marquise of Berkenfield says “not while you’re living under this roof, young lady!” and forbids Marie to marry Tonio. She then admits to Sulpice that Marie is not her niece. Marie is her own illegitimate daughter, who she abandoned for fear of dishonor. Abandoning your baby is way classier.

When Marie finds out the marquise is her mother, she has a sudden change of heart and stops refusing to marry Krakenthorp. Wedding guests arrive.

The marquise, in turn, has a change of heart (remember, she’s the one who got knocked up in the first place by some hot scoundrel) and gives Marie and Tonio her blessing. This is a comedy, so they all live happily ever after. Is there anything funnier than the concept of living happily ever after?

*La Fille du Régiment is famous for the tenor’s aria “Ah! mes amis, quel jour de fête!” which entails nine high Cs. Although it entails nine high Cs, it is not a drinking song because there is no everclear.** To sing it, the tenor in question would do well to wear my son’s Buzz Lightyear underpants, size 4T, although that might make him somewhat less desirable to Marie and cause all sorts of trouble within the regiment.

**Everclear does not sing this opera.***

***Can you even have an asterisk within an asterisk? And why do people say “asterix?”