Carmen is an opera about sex and violence and racism. It’s probably the best known opera of all time.

Micaela, a peasant girl, is in love with Don Jose. Don Jose falls for the gypsy Carmen, who works in the cigarette factory. When Carmen get into it at the factory with another woman, it is Don Jose who is asked to take her off to jail. Carmen sweet talks him into letting her escape. Don Jose goes to jail for a month for being such a dork.

In act two Carmen is waiting for him to get out of prison, while an officer, some soldiers and a bullfighter all try to capture her heart. It doesn’t work. Her friends try to get her to go help their smuggling friends with some smuggling, but she go because she’s meeting Don Jose at the inn later. Once they meet up, Don Jose defies his officer and stays at the inn with Carmen – who is the girl his mother warned him about.

In act three their stuck in a smuggler’s hideout. He get reminiscent for his comfy bed and home cooked meals, and Carmen calls him a big dumb pansy. Carmen’s friends tell fortunes with a deck of cards – all sunshine and roses for them, but Carmen and Don Jose are going down hard.

Micaela, in search of Don Jose, finds her way to the hideout. The bullfighter finds his way to the hideout. It’s not a very good hideout. There’s fighting and pleading and lying and finally Don Jose goes with Micaela, promising to return to Carmen, who’s totally over him.

In the last act there’s bullfighting and treachery but I can’t tell you more because I don’t want to ruin it (someone dies).

Radio Betty covered The Merry Widow, Turandot, Carmen and Madama Butterfly this month. It was richly informative and sure to enrage listeners who know anything at all about opera.

Here’s the playlist:

• Nessun Dorma - Three Redneck Tenors
• Merry Widow Waltz - Kings of Dixieland
• Meet Me at Maxims - Lisette Verea
• Non piangere, Liu - Sutherland, Pavarotti, Caballe etc + Mehta / London Philharmonic
• Best of Carmen
• Habanera - Angela Gheorghiu
• The Violin - Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (Featuring Brian Dewan & Eileen Ivers)
• I Make the Dough, You Get the Glory - Kathleen Edwards
• Hockey Monkey - James Kochalka Superstar
• Nessun Dorma - Luciano Pavarotti, Tom Krause, Pier Francesco Poli, Piero de Palma; Zubin Mehta, London Philharmonic Orchestra, John Alldis Choir

We also talked about Gloves Off! A Hockey Opera in Three Acts and invited everyone we know to a fundraiser that includes bustiers and bon bons  (no lie). The invitation reads “give yourself over to absolute pleasure” which is obviously from the Rocky Horror Picture Show so I’m attending dressed as Columbia.

Radio Betty was produced by a fleet of trained mice, at the direction of the geniuses at Sonic Trout. Blame them.

Radio Betty airs on www.womr.org on the second Sunday of every month until they change the locks to the studio. Listen online from 12-1pm or forever hold your peace because they are totally not rebroadcasting this crap.

I’ve been worried about telling you about Franz Lehar’s The Merry Widow because it takes place at the Pontevedrian Embassy and, having never been to Pontevedro, I didn’t know how to pronounce it. Imagine my delight at discovering that it’s a fictitious Balkan state – so I can’t possibly pronounce it wrong. I don’t remember where I read that, but it was on the internet so it must be true. Pronounce it however you wish. You have my blessings.

Anyway. There’s a party at the Pontevedrian Embassy, in Paris. Baron Zeta doesn’t notice his wife flirting with the attache because he’s in a dither about Hanna who may or may not marry a Parisian because Parisians are cute and she is a widow. A merry one.

Zeta doesn’t like the idea because if she marries a Parisian her wealth will leave Pontevedro – bankrupting the country. Her husband, the dead one, not the potential one, left her a pile of dough. Enough to run a small country, apparently.

Zeta’s wife, Valencienne, continues flirting.

Count Danilo Danilovich arrives after staying out at Maxim’s for several nights running so he falls asleep in the pile of coats in the guestroom. Hannah finds him and wakes him up. It turns out they had a thing for each other in their youth, but Danilo’s aristocratic family shut them down. Now Danilo refuses to tell Hannah he loves her because everyone who claims to love her is really just in love with her money and he’s not so into that

Oh he is so cute I can’t stand it

Zeta tells Danilo he has to marry Hannah, for the good of his country.  They dance, but not together.

The next evening everyone goes to Hannah’s house for a party. That’s what I love about operas. It’s always party, party, party. This is where things get sticky. Zeta and Danilo go off to the summerhouse to watch football, not realizing that Zeta’s wife, Valencienne is in there with her attache, hopefully not attacheed. Zeta’s aide, rescues Valencienne out the back door. Zeta’s pretty sure he saw his wife in there and is quite surprised to find Hannah in the summerhouse with Camille (the attache) which makes it look to Danilo as though she’s the one having the fling with Camille. She’s a stinker, that merry widow. Danilo stomps off to Maxim’s.

In order to make him feel more at home, Hannah transforms her parlor into a replica of Maxim’s – dancing girls and all. Danilo realizes Hannah never meant to marry Camille and admits he loves her. Zeta realizes his wife has been carrying on with Camille and demands a divorce, saying he’ll marry Hannah instead. Valencienne gets out of her pickle by showing her husband the note on her fan that says she totally didn’t just cheat on him.

And then everyone runs around in circles and the people who are in chairs when the music stops get to marry each other.

Well no one got fired for our pilot radio program, or our post pilot radio program, so we’re going to keep trying until heads roll. Radio Betty is officially in the 12pm slot, second Sunday of the month. Which is coming right up.

(breathes into paper bag)

You can listen to it online at womr.org.

Between the radio show and the facebook page (join the facebook page, yo), lots of weird, quasi-opera-related stuff has shown up. Stuff like Gloves Off! A Hockey Opera in Three Acts.

I do not make this stuff up.

I have notes in sharpie marker all down my arm because people keep asking if I’ve heard about this or that and NO, I HAVEN’T.

But I have heard of this.

Mullets. Opera. Hockey. We are all one.