I’m not going to tell you how to pronounce Il Barbiere di Siviglia because it’s kind of like ordering Mexican food. I mean, if you’re at La Scala, you should probably brush up on your Italian but otherwise it’s perfectly okay to just order the chicken burritos.

If that did not make sense to you, this opera is only going to make it worse.

Let’s start with the characters. Count Almaviva is in love with Rosina. Rosina is the ward of Dr. Bartolo. Dr. Bartolo wants to marry Rosina. Rosina wants to marry Count Almaviva. Figaro helps make it all happen. Figaro is the Barber of Seville.

Almaviva arrives with his servant Fiorello and a band of musicians. They stand beneath Rosina’s balcony and Almaviva serenades her at dawn. Late sleeping Rosina does not appear. The musicians, telling each other to be quiet, wake the whole town.

Almaviva pays them and sends them away. He sticks around, hoping to see Rosina and have a word with her. He hears Figaro approaching and ducks into a doorway. Figaro is a loudmouth.

Figaro arrives and sings the Bugs Bunny aria.

Did you know that if you search online for Rabbit of Seville, the only videos you find are in Spanish? It’s true.

The Barber words are slightly different from the Rabbit version. This one is about how resourceful he is and how everyone is always asking him for something and calling him.

“Figaro! Figaro! Feeeeeee-ga-row!”

He goes on and on about how great he is and how nothing gets done without him. It would be annoying if he weren’t so darn charming.

Figaro and Almaviva recognize each other and Figaro asks what brings the Count to town. Almaviva explains about stalking Rosina.

Rosina appears on her balcony holding a note. Just as she sees the Count Almaviva, Dr. Bartolo comes out and demands to see the note. Rosina convinces him she’s just written out the lyrics to an aria from a popular opera. Dr. Bartolo does not like opera, the people who watch it, or the people who perform it. She accidentally drops the note and asks Bartolo to get it, knowing he won’t bother. She signals to Almaviva that it’s for him.  Bartolo shoos her inside.

The note says that Rosina has noticed Almaviva and she thinks he’s kind of cute. Bartolo will be going out soon and she hopes Almaviva will introduce himself.

Bartolo does go out, and Rosina appears on the balcony. Almaviva sings to her, calling himself Lindoro so she doesn’t fall for his title and wealth. It’s like Coming to America except they don’t come to America. He tells her he can’t offer her anything but his devotion. She swoons. He swoons. She hears someone coming and goes inside.

Almaviva hires Figaro to help him marry Rosina.

Bartolo has conscripted Basilio to help him finagle a marriage to Rosina. Madness ensues. The Count arrives as a soldier and again as a substitute music teacher (Alonzo). Bartolo tricks Rosina into thinking that Lindoro is  tricking her into marrying Count Almaviva and he does not love  her at all. Rosina agrees to marry Bartolo and confides that Lindoro/Alonzo/Almaviva and Figaro are planning to sneak in that night. They plan to trick them when they arrive.

Except when they arrive, Lindoro/Alonzo/whoever-the-flip-he-is tells Rosina he’s actually Count Chocula. Wait, no, Count Almaviva. She is tickled pink. A notary arrives to draw up the marriage contract between Bartolo and Rosina. Figaro has the notary make the contract between Almaviva and Rosina. The Count asks Basilio to be a witness. Basilio obliges. (Ballistics and bribery may or may not have been involved. )

Bartolo arrives, but it’s too late. There’s much rejoicing. The Count lets Bartolo keep Rosina’s dowery, which makes everything right in Bartolo’s world. Chorus sings. Curtains close.

The end.

First of all, I don’t know how to tell you to pronounce “Turandot.” Opera critic people pronounce the “t” because it’s a Persian name, but in the opera they say Tour-an-dough because it’s in Italian. So good luck with that.

Turandot is a princess who is supposed to get married but would rather have her suitors executed. I think anyone who’s been on a blind date can appreciate that. She is mind numbingly beautiful, so suitors keep signing up for the challenge. If the suitor can answer three riddles, he gets to marry her. If not, he gets his head chopped off. Fair? Fair.

A Persian prince is about to be executed and a crowd has gathered to watch. It’s like Monday night football. In the frenzy, Timur, exiled Tartar king, is pushed to the ground and Liu, his slave girl, cries for help to protect him. Who should stumble upon them (not literally) but Calaf, the exiled Tartar prince. They are all disguised because of, you know, being exiled.

This happy little reunion is interrupted by the appearance of the doomed Persian prince. Turandot has the opportunity to save him, but doesn’t. He’s executed and his head goes on the curio shelf with all the others. Calaf thinks that’s kind of awesome and rings the gong announcing himself as the next suitor. Calaf is an idiot.

When Calaf’s turn comes, he miraculously answers all the riddles correctly. Turandot is pissed. Calaf is still an idiot so he says “if you discover my name by sunrise, you can go ahead and kill me.” Rumpelstiltskinesque hilarity ensues.

Things are looking good for Calaf until his father and Liu are dragged in. Liu insists that she alone knows the name, to protect Timur. Why is she so hot and bothered about protecting Timur? Because she is in love with Calaf, of course. So they torture her. When Turandot asks Liu what gives her such courage, Liu says “love.” Which Turandot finds irritating. She tells her minions to keep up the good work.

Afraid she will eventually be forced to tell, Liu grabs a dagger and kills herself. And then the sun rises.

Turandot and Calaf find themselves alone. Calaf tells her how cruel and heartless she is and then kisses her, despite her protests (about the kiss. She was probably in total agreement about the cruel and heartless part). Turandot then realizes that Calaf is not only an idiot, he is totally hot. He tells her his name, in case she still feels like killing him, and when the time comes to announce his name, she says his name is “love.”

Turandot was Puccini’s last opera and was unfinished when he died.  If he hadn’t finished the end, maybe he meant for Turandot to say “Calaf? Meh. Kill him.”